


Demons

by therron_shan



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Foreshadowing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 09:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17020296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therron_shan/pseuds/therron_shan
Summary: Set in the three year period between acts II and III.  Anders has grown even more reclusive and paranoid since he nearly killed Ella in the fight with Ser Alrik, spending hours and hours either cooped up in his clinic or hunched over the desk in Hawke's study, researching Maker knows what.  And Hawke is worried for his love.





	Demons

**Author's Note:**

> SO i recently got into da and holy SHIT i am such trash for anders. like it's honestly insane, okay. so i had to write this. this is my first time writing anything for dragon age so pls bear with me. i know zero (0) things about da, and honestly i just hope that i captured anders well bc he is so fun to write!
> 
> if you like this, leave a kudos, maybe a comment. i can't promise anything but there's a chance i'll do a lot more with these garbage babies in the future.
> 
> also! anders and my hawke have a bit of a... toxic relationship going on. it's not too bad but they're both fairly codependent and way too in love with each other for their own good. so if that sorta squicks you out, maybe don't read this.
> 
> thank you! <3

Hawke awoke near dawn, judging by the soft, dim light from the open window. Far too early to be up on a rare day with nothing scheduled, but his body had grown accustomed to it over the last several years. He groaned as he stretched his tight, sore muscles - an apology playing at his lips in case he accidentally kicked Anders (which had happened before). But Hawke hit nothing. Only cold sheets. He finally sat up and, sure enough, Anders was not in bed. In fact, a quick scan of the room informed Hawke that his lover was nowhere to be found. Again. A heavy sigh escaped Hawke's lips as he threw his feet over the side of the bed. It had been just over two years since Anders had almost killed the mage girl (oh, and the near-war with the Qunari) and ever since then, he'd been acting... strangely. It left a sour taste in Hawke's mouth, if he was telling the truth - mostly because Anders refused to talk about it.

Hawke stepped over Barkspawn (a name coined jokingly by Carver long ago that ended up sticking) on his way out of the bedchambers, and the mabari merely stretched and grunted once, softly, still asleep. Light poured from the study's open doors, and Hawke sighed. Always at it with those damned books of his. Did Anders even sleep anymore? Hawke made his way downstairs, treading carefully so as not to disturb anyone, and stopped in the doorway of the study.

Anders' back was to him, clothed in Hawke's undershirt. It hung loosely on his thin, lanky frame as he hunched over the desk, writing furiously amid a mountain of books. _Maker_. When he fell into these moods, hardly anything could break them. Hawke huffed momentarily before clearing his throat, rather loudly, to make his presence known.

Anders jumped, but did not turn.  "How long have you been standing there, love?"

"Long enough."

His sigh was audible, even from several feet away, and his hand stilled on the page. "What time is it?"

"About dawn." Hawke sighed, wishing he could bring himself to say what he desperately wanted. "You ought to come back to bed, Anders."

"No, I'm - I can't."

_Of course._ "Did you even sleep at all?"

Anders leaned back against the chair, golden hair brushing the top of it, and sighed. "Er, perhaps an hour or two."

"Maker, Anders. Look at me."

After a moment, he did. His face was drawn tightly, brows knit together in deep thought and concentration. His eyes - those beautiful, amber eyes - were in stark contrast to his pale skin. And, Maker, he seemed even _paler_ than normal. Dark circles marred the skin around his eyes and the scar he'd contracted from the battle with Ser Alrik - the one he never allowed to fully heal - appeared angrier than usual, a bright red line across his cheek. Suffice it to say, Anders looked _awful_. And Hawke's heart ached. He cleared his throat and softened his stance, hands falling to his sides.

"Anders, I - please, just come back to bed. Even for a few moments. I want to hold you."

Anders sighed heavily and looked away. He looked... _old_. Like he'd lived a number of lifetimes in less than forty years. "I can't, love."

"Why?"

"I can't tell you."

A derisive laugh left Hawke's lips before he could stop it. "Don't give me that, Anders."

He sighed once more and met Hawke's eyes. Pain lit his face. "You have to trust me. Please, love. Just trust me."

Trust. For such a small word, it held a massive amount of weight. At least to Hawke. Trust had almost killed him and Carver at Ostagar. Trust had nearly gotten him (and his family) cheated out of their rightful home. Trust had left him, Varric, Anders, and Bethany stranded in the Deep Roads. Maker, trust in his own self and his abilities had killed his mother. There were hundreds of other examples - and Anders knew them all. Yet he asked for trust? Hawke looked away, into the flames of the fireplace. "You know I cannot trust you blindly, Anders. I will not."

"Then don't do it blindly. Trust me because you love me. Trust me because I love you."

"Oh do you? I haven't been sure of that for months." The words came up like bile, and tasted worse in his mouth. And judging from the look on Anders' face - they hit their mark. He hung his head.

"I - you're right, love. I'm sorry. It - I just..." He trailed off into a sigh. And then he looked up and Hawke met those lovely golden eyes. His heart stuttered. "I wish I could explain. Truly, I do. But for now, all I can tell you is that this, all my studying and researching, it will lead to something bigger than me, and you." His amber eyes searched Hawke's face, as if imploring him. "All I ask is your support, love. Please. I promise, it will be worth it in the end."

Hawke looked upon him for a moment. And then another, and another. Maker, a single man should not be able to wield this sort of power over him. He'd known years ago, but it was as clear as ever now. He belonged to Anders, mind, body, heart, and soul. And damn it, he'd do anything Anders asked. No matter the cost. He crossed the room to where his lover sat, and he tilted Anders' head back with a finger under his chin. Anders trembled at his touch, soft eyes never leaving Hawke's.

"You know I trust you, Anders. More than I want to. And I would follow you to the ends of Thedas and beyond, if you just say the word. But..." Hawke closed his eyes, pride killing his voice. _But don't hurt me._ After everything, if he were to lose Anders too...

Anders leaned up and caught his mouth in a soft, slow kiss. It was the kind of kiss that made Hawke's heart break and he melted into it, taking Anders' face in his hands. And then Anders was standing, drawing Hawke against his lean body, pressing him so close but hardly close enough and Hawke wanted - _longed_ \- to vanish inside Anders' touch, to lose himself until there was nothing else in the world. Just him, and Anders.

He would not have his way. Anders drew back, slightly breathless, and leaned his forehead against Hawke's. "I love you. More than anything." Another kiss. This one was softer, a brief brush of his lips, and Hawke ached for more. Anders smiled and for a brief moment he looked as Hawke always imagined he'd looked while with the Circle. Young and passionate and fairly carefree, before being truly spoiled by the world and its cruelty.

Hawke closed his eyes. He couldn't bear to see that smile disappear, fade into tired, sorrowful Anders. The Anders being torn apart by Justice and templars. The Anders that seemed to carry the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. No, Hawke couldn't bear that. Not yet. It hurt too much, to see his love so wounded and broken and know there was nothing he could do. So he merely kissed Anders, and hoped that would be enough.

If only it were that simple.

 


End file.
